God blesses each of us with the heart, the spiritual gifts, the mind, the body, and the personality that makes us each unique. If you take those pieces of me, most of the pieces themselves are pretty average. I'm intelligent, but I'm no Mensa candidate. I'm pretty but not supermodel quality. I struggle with my body image just like most other women in this world. As for personality? I'm loud, fun-loving, witty, and a bit obnoxious - like any number of people I can think of. If you take all of these things and roll them together into who I am, I'm definitely one of a kind, but when I stop to take an account I happen to think I'm pretty spectacular - even though I often forget to remember that. But the place where I believe God truly set me apart is my heart. And I am coming to realize that my heart is inextricably and irrevocably linked to my spiritual gifts. Before I go any deeper let me just say that I love people and that I love to love people.
The last few months have been a huge learning curve. I'm spending alot of time alone again - something that hadn't happened in almost 2 years. And when you spend that much time alone, you can't help but become intimately acquainted with your deepest thoughts, desires, and fears. And it gives God a whole lot of downtime to reveal things to you about your character, your strengths and your weaknesses.
I've come to see that some of the stuff I've encountered, endured, and fought through in my life, have all been part of God's plan to create in me a heart of compassion...an opportunity to create in me the spiritual gift of mercy. But sometimes I think that this one greatest part of who I am also tends to be my greatest downfall. I hear alot of people say things like, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I feel for you." But those words are very true for me. I've got friends struggling with infertility, others who are having a tough time in their marriage, still others who are struggling with their roles in their families, their workplaces, their social circles.
I love having close friends. It makes me smile when one of them makes me their confidante. When they call me, b/c they just need to talk something through or they need to vent frustrations or they need encouragement. I celebrate that I can be that person to them and that they trust me to do so. But somehow I always walk away carrying just a little bit of their burden. My heart quite literally feels heavy in my chest, and I share just a piece of whatever hurt they are feeling. So this gift that I have been given is also an area of greatest weakness for me. I am yet to figure what to do with this heaviness - this feeling of empathy (is empathy a feeling? I don't know).
Lately, it seems that alot of people have had a lot of drama, and as is standard practice for me, I listen, I sympathize, and I walk away "feeling for them" (see? there are those words again). But it also means that I spend the majority of the rest of the time isolating. I know my limitations and when I reach that max point, I just sort of hole up in my little shell. I can't decide yet if this is healthy self-protection or if it entirely unhealthy that I allow myself to reach this point at all.
So this is the point in this post where I'm supposed to wrap all this up in a neat little bow; unfortunately, I'm still working through this one, but I'll let you know as soon as I know. What I do know is this. I have absolutely no desire to change the person that I am (superficial changes notwithstanding) or the heart God has created in me. If I really allow myself to think about the gifts, talents, abilities, interests, etc. that He rolled into this package, I am astounded and a little perplexed. I wish that I didn't let the enemy sneak in as often as he does, whispering his lies; I wish I didn't so readily believe them. And I'm praying that the Lord will reveal to me a place of balance where I get to love people and be that friend, but where I don't carry away more than my fair share or more than what is healthy.
I guess this is a bit heavy considering I haven't blogged in months. But I miss blogging, and I think the only way I'm going to get back to it is to quit censoring myself. Here's hoping that will solve the writers' block dilemma I have been struggling with the last couple of months.
Peace, y'all!
